I’m graduating in a few months and I’m terrified.
What am I going to do??
I have spent almost 30 minutes trying to come up with a good introduction for this entry but no matter how hard I try, nothing sounds good enough. That’s kind of why I haven’t written anything in (checks notes) 7 months. Yikes.
I feel like I’ve spent almost all my life waiting for this moment. I’ve spent years dreaming about what it’ll be like when I’m finally done with school and how I’m going to start my life and finally do what I want. Now I realize that I have no idea what I want.
Like a lot of people,my routine gave me purpose. I never had to think too much about the next step because it was mapped out for me. Now I feel like everything is being ripped out of my hands. I came to the realization that I don’t know what I want. I’ve spent so much time waiting for this to happen that I didn’t spend enough time thinking about what I really want.
Now that I don’t have another level or stage to look forward too I feel very anxious. What if I’m not a good adult? What if I end up working a dead end job with people that I hate? I don’t know. Maybe I’m thinking too much.
I like to believe that I’m not the only one that feels this way. That maybe some people are just as confused as me. I’m hoping that just like everything else,it sorts itself out.
I’m not sure I’m going to upload this. I’m writing this so I can get back into the habit of writing. Not one of my best work but let’s just call this a filler piece. We’ll have better uploads soon.
I hope that you take the time out to take care of yourself. You deserve it.
Love,
Olivia.
Honestly same here. You’re not the only one feeling this way. I had this epiphany like two years ago when I realized that I never had a dream of my own. It was always like the clockwork graduate school and work a dead-end job. That’s when I realized I actually really hate corporate work. I decided to be a little wimp and take the easy way out by chasing another degree in a different country. It’s good for me cause I get to experience a new country, a new course, and more opportunities. All at once. Now, you said something about being a bad adult. Tbvh girlie, there’s no “good adult”. We’re all just in this trying to navigate life and survive at the same time, while having very deep relationships with people. It’s a lot to think about. I think the best thing we can do for ourselves would be to take it one day at a time. And be proud of yourself for getting through the day and whatever came with it. You’re doing so well already. We weren’t ready when they pushed us into high school, but we did it. Neither were we fully ready when they pushed us into university. And look at us leaving the damned place in less than 8 months 🤣. So we can definitely do this.
I started feeling this way the moment I entered 100 level, and that was mostly because by the time I was starting my B.Sc degree, most of my peers had already done their NYSC and even gone on to get other professional qualifications. And my juniors in school??! lol, they too had graduated uni by the time I was just starting out. And here I was just starting with a bleak idea of what awaited me at the end and beyond. I mean, it was an 8 year gap of trying and failing before I finally gained admission into uni. In my final year, when everyone was sighing about how they can’t wait to be done and how happy they are that it’s over, all I felt was fear cos I still hadn’t figured it out yet. On signout day, while everyone celebrated, I just stayed in one space, trying not to let anxiety win cos all I felt was trapped. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had scars from the past that were about to do an encore. Would it be another 8 years before I achieve the next thing? And then Murphy’s Law played out…I had worked so hard in school from 100 to 400 cos school gave me a purpose and I was die-hard about it. I had a 4.7 and above from 100 to 300 but my 400 was a mess and I finished school with a 4.48. I still worry that everything is wrong and I’m still trying to figure this life out. I mean, after working so hard at school and not really achieving what I aimed for, I wonder if there’s still anything out there. I don’t know if you’ve figured it now. I really hope you have. I hope I do figure it out soon as well.